Rats Move To Disassociate from Tory MPs

More than 120 politicians scarper before General Election

Departing Tory MPs have been described as rats leaving a sinking ship. Now furious rats have moved to distance themselves from the unseemly exodus.

The Rodent Federation is to issue cease and desist orders to several UK media outlets after newspapers compared quitting MPs to rats escaping doomed vessels.

“The reputational damage is unreal,” said a spokesrat, as scores of MPs headed for the exit rather than face a humiliating defeat at the hands of the electorate. Many rats feel they are being unfairly associated with these loathsome creatures and their inherent lack of decency.

All hands in the till

“What have we ever done to deserve this slander? OK, there was the bubonic plague, I grant you. But that was a long time ago and personally, I blame the fleas.”

Prime Minister Sunak’s election campaign has got off to a disastrous start, from his rain-soaked announcement, to his Titanic shipyard photo-op, to his man-of-the-people schtick asking Welsh brewers if they were looking forward to the Euros they’re not in, leading to a new verb, to “Outpartridge”.

Rats have been frequently depicted as dirty, when in fact they are very clean. But their notoriety persists. Also, there’s the sense that if they were enjoying a nice cruise, they would depart at the first sign of trouble. 

“I’m sorry, but what sort of idiot wouldn’t leave a sinking ship?”

The Federation did try some reputation management in the 1970s, getting a hugely popular and famous singer to sing a song about a boy and his best friend, a pet rat called Ben. It was a No.1 single and won a Golden Globe, however association with Michael Jackson was not the motherlode of PR gold they had hoped for. 

“We can’t catch a break.” 

Then it turned out the film was a horror movie in which the eponymous rodent leads an army of killer rats on a spree of murder and tasty snacks.

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Now a group of entitled, mendacious politicians who have spent more than a decade enriching themselves while ruining everything they’ve touched have dragged these innocent animals into their orbit of shame. 

“Enough is enough. Our brand is being seriously devalued. Who’s going to want a pet rat that can’t distance itself from Michael Gove?”

Or…